Today while surfing online i came to a webpage on how we can help those in grief or what should we do to help them. So I decided to take this into my collection and help as many as possible.
I had never experienced grief before. Broken hearts, horniness, hunger… yes. But grief, with it’s goddam infinite burst of sadness, the disconnection and lethargy… I had never experienced that before Rowan (that’s his name).
Here are few things we can do :
1. Get a set of candle that burns for few days : Send a card with some instructions for lighting it. Do the same thing at your house. Every once in a while send a text or email about how you lit yours and we shouldn’t forget to light ours.
2. Set calendar events for anniversaries : 1 month, 2 month, 3 month, 6 month, 1 year, 2 years, 3… Call, email, write, schedule little gifts for each of these moments when the memories will hit your friends, when they’re trying so hard to remember the one who’s missing without losing the path of their own life.
3. Small and Meaningful Gift : When you don’t know what to say or do at time of loss, express your feelings with a hand-picked gift from With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes’ unique selection of memorial gifts.
4. Prepare Meal or Organize for the Same : Realize how goddam horrible it is to try to think about what to make for dinner when dealing with the slough of grief… Prepare one meal, or, even better, be the one who organizes others to make some meals. Maybe only one large casserole a week.
5. Spend Time with the Kids in the house : In case there is a kid in the picture try to help out in a way that’s natural for you. Play. Bring over a new book. Get the kid out of the house. Find a museum or park or Lego land to take the kid to nearby.
6. Flowers and Orchids : Take some flowers, Orchids seem to be the most resilient of all the flowers… they last the longest. I cut one little flower off with about 2 inches of stem, put it in a tiny little jar we had by the window. It stayed alive for weeks. Looked at it every time I did the dishes.
7. Do the dishes : Clean the bathroom. Little shit like this builds up. We’re blind to it, but the state of our house effects us.
8. Acknowledgement is vital : Do NOT come in here saying “sorry for your loss.” Come in saying, “I’m so sorry about Rowan’s death.” And if it’s true for you, say things like “I just love to ear his name. To see it written.” You can’t know the way that feels, to hear someone else say his name.
9 Be yourself : Don’t force the feelings. We don’t need you to feel anything. We’re doing our own thing. We’re just glad you’re here. Your presence alone is valuable to us.
OF COURSE you don’t know how to be. We don’t know how the hell to be. But we know what feels easy and what’s hard. Small talk is hard. People looking to help to satisfy their own guilt or responsibility is hard. As Parker Palmer says, “disconnection may be hell, but it’s better than false connection.”
10. Don’t be afraid to be curious : If you care it might look like being curious about what happened, when we found out, what it felt like, etc. Don’t be afraid to ask. Don’t be afraid to “bring up too much” or something. I want you. It’s harder for us to maintain the veneer of our steady relationship than it is to chance the awkwardness of tears in some heavy, honest questions.